You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
