i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just google imaged poop.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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