All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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