I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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