I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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