She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
