i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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