How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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