Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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