I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
