I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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