That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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