dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
