I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Pants are for mortals
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
