Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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