Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
