i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
