If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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