Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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