Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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