made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
