just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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