I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
