Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
