lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
