LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
