I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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