dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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