1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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