gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
