Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
