Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
