I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
