by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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