I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
