Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I need a beard to bite.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
