dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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