I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
