I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
