Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
