You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
