What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you had me at cake vodka
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
