He kissed a someone with a penis
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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