I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
