Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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