I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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