Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
