You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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