beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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