Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
