Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
